“I don’t usually take the time to write reviews, but after ordering from Shitty Farms, I felt compelled. Their ’ant-sized cucumbers’ were something I could never have imagined. I wasn’t sure if I was holding a piece of food or a strange artifact, but either way, it was an experience I won’t forget. It’s not everyday that you find a farm that dares to be this… different.”
– Clara A. Whitfield, Research Librarian and Amateur Botanist

“The last time I had a cabbage that small was in a dream I once had. I bought one of Shitty Farms’ mini cabbages, and I’ve been wondering ever since whether it was really a cabbage—or some sort of miniature token of the universe. Either way, it’s the most interesting piece of produce I’ve ever had, and I’ve already recommended it to all my friends.”
– Sylvia J. Crayton, Professional Garden Consultant and Occasional Poet

“I’m all about strange food adventures, and Shitty Farms did not disappoint. Their ’mystery potatoes’ were the highlight of my dinner party, as no one could figure out what exactly was going on with them. They were so small, they practically disappeared when I served them, but the flavor was surprisingly rich. I still don’t know what I ate, but I’m hooked.”
– Laura K. Summers, Event Planner and Food Enthusiast

“I don’t know what’s going on, and frankly, I’d rather not talk about it. A few days ago, I received a giant box at my doorstep. I didn’t order anything, and I certainly don’t have any idea why I got a package from Shitty Farms—which, I didn’t even know was a place. Anyway, inside the massive box was the tiniest squash I’ve ever seen. It couldn’t have been more than the size of a golf ball, but it was buried in packing peanuts like it was a rare artifact or something.
I thought it was a mistake. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do with it, so I left it on the counter. And then, three days later, someone broke into my house. Broke in, like they had the key or something. They didn’t steal anything, they didn’t take my TV. They just walked right up to the squash and demanded I “review it.”
I asked them what they were talking about, and they just said, ‘It’s from Shitty Farms. The squash. You need to review the farm.’
I told them I didn’t know anything about the farm, or the squash, and that I didn’t care to review either. They didn’t care. They just stood there until I gave in.
So, here it is:
The squash is small. In fact, it’s suspiciously small. It’s almost like it’s been overly compressed. I wouldn’t say it tastes like much, but it’s got a certain… oddness to it. I can’t quite put my finger on it. Maybe that’s what they want.
As for the farm, I don’t know anything about it. I’ve never heard of Shitty Farms, and I didn’t ask for any squash. I just want to go about my day, and I don’t think I’ll ever understand what this was all about.
But here you go: a review. A squash, and a farm I’ve never heard of. Enjoy.”
– Gerald “Jerry” Woodson, Semi-Retired Accountant, Who “Called the Police”

“I didn’t know what to expect when I ordered from Shitty Farms, but their cursed tomatoes have been a delightful surprise. At first, I thought it was a gimmick, but these tomatoes—though small—are packed with flavor. I think they’re the perfect snack for contemplation. There’s something about their odd size that makes me pause and think about the simpler things in life.”
– Eldon P. Merrick, Retired Architect and Amateur Philosopher

“When I heard about Shitty Farms, I didn’t know whether to be intrigued or concerned. But after trying their lopsided squash, I can say it was the best decision I’ve made in a long time. It’s not perfect. It’s not even normal. But that’s what makes it so interesting. Every bite is a reminder that things don’t always have to make sense to be enjoyable.”
– Walter Kinsey, Professional Painter and Nature Enthusiast

“I’ve never been one to get excited about vegetables, but Shitty Farms has changed my outlook. Their tiny potatoes are unlike anything I’ve ever seen—so small, yet they pack a surprising punch. I’ve started using them as garnish for my meals, and they’ve sparked more dinner conversation than anything I’ve ever cooked. A true culinary experience.”
– Henry J. Cromwell, Retired Librarian and Hobbyist Chef

“I’m not sure what exactly Shitty Farms does differently, but their micro-sized squash has added something I never knew was missing from my life. It’s not just about eating; it’s about the experience of engaging with food on a smaller scale. There’s something incredibly satisfying about holding a squash that fits perfectly in the palm of your hand.”
– Reginald Turner, Antique Collector and Part-Time Writer

“I’m a firm believer in simplicity, and Shitty Farms seems to embody that principle. The button-sized cabbages I ordered were the perfect touch for my collection of miniature gardening tools. While they may not be practical for a salad, they’ve made for excellent conversation pieces at dinner parties. A unique farm that understands the beauty of the small.”
– Martha E. Wilkins, Miniature Gardener and Antique Collector